11 Week Update

Well! Am I happy to be nearing the end of the first trimester.

Every day I am feeling less queasy and have more and more energy. I actually feel really bad because I know I have spent the last 3 1/2 weeks complaining about the morning sickness and exhaustion. My poor husband has come home to a whining pile of wife on the couch each night! My friends have been all but abandoned because I cannot seem to stay up passed 7:30/8:00 pm. I have, basically, been completely worthless for a month.

The turning point came last week when I got an absolutely awful cold from my kids at school (yeah, I just went back to teaching full time right when we found out about baby D). While I was sick, I found that my appetite had returned somewhat. I still couldn't stomach much meat or cook anything in oil, but I was actually hungry for the first time in a while. After the cold went away I had morning sickness again for about a day, since then I've been on the mend! When all was said and done I lost 3 pounds in the month of January.

I haven't been able to lose 3 pounds in 3 months while TRYING, really really hard. I was a little worried, but my friends and my doctor assure me this is completely normal in the first trimester, especially when you've been battling morning sickness.

11 wks, a bit bloated, but no bump yet! 

So this week we got to see Baby D again at our check up and he/she was moving all around, it was such a sight to see. I could clearly make out the little arms, which were draped above the babies head like a little gorilla. It's back was to us so we couldn't see much else, but just seeing him/her move around like that reminded me of how fast this pregnancy could go. I mean, it was only a few short weeks ago that all we could see was a little mass of cells on the screen. Now our baby has limbs and knows how to move them! That's insane to me, when did that happen?

Every single step we take on this journey has taken my breath away. I feel so many things at any given moment (did I mention that we saw some of our first pregnancy mood swings this week?) but lately all I feel is humbled. I am providing/growing/supporting life for this new human being. I am responsible for taking care of myself and nurturing this pregnancy until our baby is developed enough to meet us. This is such an incredible honor and I don't take it lightly. I am in love with that little gorilla, formerly our gummy bear, formerly our poppy seed and soon to be our first born child.

Ultrasound @ 10wks. Not much to make out but I thought I'd share it anyway!

We've elected to have some genetic testing done and I will return for an update once they are complete (in another 2 weeks or so). We MIGHT also find out the babies gender during that time so stay tuned and keep on sending me those baby girl names- so far we have NONE!

Have a great Sunday- enjoy the game and GO BRONCOS!!!

TTC Update and Giant Cheat Day Cookie Recipes.

First of all, I just wanted to say THANK YOU, again to everyone who has been cheering for Mike and I this passed year. We are barely 6 months in and it's been one of the hardest years of my life.
I will not drag you through some long depressing, dramatic post to tell you that our first round of ovulation induction did not go as we'd hoped. After 5 negative pregnancy tests and a few calls back and forth to my doctor, I am finally dealing with the reality- I am not pregnant. Again.

I know that we have so much going for us right now. We are both employed, madly in love, have incredible friends and family supporting us. I know I should try and be positive. I keep telling myself this is just a bump in the road. This is temporary. I keep telling myself not to let this rule my life and bring me down...but this f*cking sucks.

Yeah...I know...GASP! A curse word!

I'm sorry. There's no way to sugar coat this. In the same week that I find out my sister in law is pregnant with their 5th (yeah) child, and after putting my body and my husband through hell on Clomid...nothing. Another negative test. And I swear to you, that negative sign has got some attitude. It's brighter and more assertive every time I have to see it. I call Mike in (poor guy) "Look at it, seriously? Is it negative? Does it still look negative to you?" To make matters worse, I got a terrible stomach bug right around day 25. I got so excited! I thought it was the first stages of morning sickness or fatigue. It was not morning sickness, it was not fatigue...it was bad fish. Is that cruel, or what?

The next step is taking more tests, far more invasive tests. Our doctor will be testing for PCOS and a bunch of other acronyms for syndromes I cannot pronounce, I think one of for a tumor in your brain that blocks ovulation? I know one is to see if my tubes are blocked. I am especially not looking forward to that one- Google it, and you'll understand. If all the tests come back normal then we will start our second cycle of Clomid, which will be stronger and even more awful than the first round.

I have allowed myself a couple of cheat days or "pity parties" since all of this started. One on the day I found out about the anovulation and another each time I got a BFN. We've actually been so busy with different social events since the ovulation induction, that there hasn't been time for any pity parties, which is a good thing. My friends have been keeping me distracted and I cannot say enough how nice that has been.




However, I am not one to deny myself a little hall pass on the diet front when I am feeling blue. So I decided that my pity party this month will completely center around the most amazingly addictive, chocolately, dangerous Giant Cheat Day Cookie. I found this recipe on Sally's Baking Addiction and I have seriously had to watch myself. I ALWAYS have just enough ingredients on hand to make one of these gigantic "XXL Death By Chocolate Cookies" (as Sally calls them). Is that a coincidence that I always have the ingredients? Or is this by design? No one knows, but everyone wants these cookies.

Whether you choose to make more than one is your decision. Since I am
trying to shed some weight I plugged the cookie recipe in my Sparks People recipe calculator, I don't know if I should even tell you how many points it is...it's a lot! Much more than you'd think. But it's SO good. And I suppose if you're girlfriends are over helping you get through your crummy day, you can share it with them.
 Because it really does feed four. Mike and I have shared this right out of the oven with a scoop of ice cream and it is HEAVEN. 

Knowing that it is so naughty, I try really hard to only make it a few times a year, month...week. This is my "break in case of emergency" recipe. Comfort food at it's finest. Also, it makes me wanna hit the gym afterwards which is great for my mood. I call that a win win. In high stress situations I think it's important to nurture yourself a little, treat yourself and pamper yourself. These are things I am trying to remember lately. Sally's blog had recipes for Reeses peanut butter cookies, snickerdoodles, soft sugar cookies and the death by chocolate cookie, I haven't tried the others but the DBC is what inspired me to try some other flavors.

Jessica and I made a classic chocolate chip, cinnamon chip oatmeal raisin (not shown because it came out AWFUL- I'll explain), double peanut butter, and death by chocolate. We didn't mess with Sally's recipe on that last one- it is seriously to die for as is. My absolute favorite was the peanut butter cookie. At first I thought we cooked it a little too long, but when I dug in it was perfect. Just chewy enough, crunchy from the nuts and SO peanut buttery. Mmmm!

Check the fridge to make sure you have enough milk on hand to tackle one of these bad boys. They are definitely giant enough to share (think Pizookie) but, it IS a cheat day...so...why would you??

As always, keep checking back for more TTC updates. I don't anticipate knowing anything knew for a few weeks or a month, when all the test results come back. Until then, please keep us in your prayers. Though this journey has brought us closer together, it still really weighs on us and we struggle day to day wondering what the right choices are. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I appreciate you all not judging me for whining and whining about how long this is taking. It may not be the longest running fertility issue you've heard about, but this is ours and it's all very new and very scary.

Thanks again, from the bottom of my chocolate soaked heart!

COOKIE RECIPES!!

Not Pregnant...Again....Finding The Silver Lining Around That One Pink Line

Since January I've taken one pregnancy test roughly every 2 1/2-3 weeks. Since I have no regular cycle I don't get that natural cue from my body (a missed period) to test. I have cut my consumption of caffeine and processed foods substantially and I am trying to stay away from booze entirely, although I have allowed a few splurges in the days after a negative pregnancy test since I have confirmation that I am in the clear...so to speak.

                            Dealing with a negative pregnancy test while TTC

I can't quite describe to you how testing day feels. It is a mix of nerves and hopes and deep pain and sadness. Obviously, we haven't gotten pregnant yet (I stopped myself just now from saying "succeeded in getting pregnant")

The rest of the day is spent feeling a mix of emotions ranging from disappointment, sadness, anger, jealousy (we just found out another of our good friends is pregnant), a twinge of relief, which then makes me feel guilty.

Yes I feel relieved after a negative test.  I feel awful admitting that! I feel like I am betraying all my fellow TTC'ers, but I have to imagine that other women may feel similarly and are, like me, afraid to admit it.

 Why do I feel relieved? I don't quite know exactly ALL the reasons but I suppose it has something to do with the fact that being pregnant will change everything! I was just talking to a dear old friend of mine, Leigh Ann, who fell pregnant a few short months after she and her boyfriend became engaged. They were blessed with an adorable baby boy, Michael, right around they were supposed to get hitched. To say he was a "surprise" baby is an understatement, but I see them now and there's just no "surprise" about it. Baby Michael was absolutely meant for Leigh Ann and Christopher, proof that destiny doesn't give a crap about your time table!

 Anyway, she and I were talking on the phone (from her brand new home! eeek!!) and she was picking my brain about hiring childcare. I listed some of the pro's and con's of all the options, from daycare to finding a quality nanny. At the end of the conversation I could just hear this big overwhelmed sort of sigh or a breath of frustration coming from her end of the phone. You could tell she just had so much to consider and it was weighing on her. It occurred to me then, that no matter how destined you are to become a parent or how amazingly good at it you will be...it's still really flippin hard! There are just so many variables to consider ...every.... single.... day, once you're a mother.

Being a parent means thinking about some other little person all day long and sometimes forgetting to eat breakfast (and lunch) because you're so busy changing diapers, washing burp cloths and trying to figure out where little Jr. is going to hang out for 12 hours when/if you go back work.

Of course I knew all of this before hand, I mean we've been trying to get pregnant for almost 6 months now and we've talked about everything we could think of for even a year before that. What schools we like, names we hate, how to convince our families to move closer etc. BUT thinking and planning are completely different than doing. Saying you'll sacrifice sleep, clean clothes and much needed grown up social time is a nice sentiment until you're going on day 11 of no sleep and all your blouses have nursing spots on them.

So, yes...when I see that damned one pink line on my pregnancy test I feel a lot of things and one of them is a little relief. I think to myself, "Alright, this sucks...BUT I guess that means a few more months of sleeping in and going on spur of the moment road trips." It's not an easy transition for me and it usually takes several hours/days of tantrums sulking and even some pints of ice cream weeping on Mikes chest.

                           Hey, did you know next week is National Infertility Awareness Week?

I want to be a mother. More than anything. As a matter of fact, Mike and I decided that in May, we will start ovulation induction meds adding a whole other dimension of stress/anxiety/hope/excitement to testing. Testing days are already the hardest days of the month for me so going forward I think it's important I learn to start looking for the silver lining. The silver lining keeps me sane. The silver lining holds me over until the next test. It reminds me that I still have a life to live, and the reason we've chosen now to try and get pregnant is because our lives are in such a great place.

I might not be pregnant yet but when I finally am pregnant I am guessing I will wish I took advantage of this pre-baby time while I still had the chance. So, here's to a quiet house, mimosa's on the back porch, sleeping in till 10 am and girls night out!

I am curious, if you're having trouble TTC, what are the days like after a negative PT for you? Can you think of some silver linings in your own situation? Please share!