12 wk Update and a look back down our long road to getting pregnant.

12 weeks!! We made it (I'm actually 12 wks and a 5 days today to be exact!).

I know nothing is promised to us, but I do feel so much better to be saying goodbye to the first trimester. I do feel a deal of relief, like we made it through the scarier times. I am very much looking forward to having more energy and slowly but surely getting my appetite back. Morning sickness has returned with the vengeance this week, leading to my doctor putting me on anti-nausea medication.

My tummy looks and feels gigantic to me, but I am certain it's all bloat as I have yet to gain even an ounce since becoming pregnant. Some symptoms that have gotten stronger and stronger each day are the most crazy/bizarre vivid dreams and terrible back aches. My body feels tense and tight all the time. I am taking lukewarm baths to help but I am in pain again as soon as I leave the tub. It's been awful. Having the morning sickness return after a nice 2 week break was totally unexpected and equally unwelcomed. I suffered through a very serious bought of dehydration that nearly landed me in the hospital because I couldn't keep anything down.

For someone who leaves and breathes to cook and eat this has been the worst pregnancy symptom, hands down. People are joking, due to the size of my bump and the resurgence of morning sickness, that there might be two babies in there. We have had 2 chances to see the baby and there was only one adorable child in there. Although I have heard stories about people discovering multiples after they'd already had an ultrasound, I rest assured that our baby is in there alone! Not that I would mind having twins (they run in my family) I just think being a new mom to one is going to be tough enough!

Before I logged on today I started thinking about what we were up to this time last year (I've done this a lot since becoming pregnant) and then a pain in my stomach reminded me...I was sitting right here, writing to all of you. Pouring my heart out 2 months after the most devastating doctors appointment of my life. I'd visited my OBGYN to get some test results read. I had been off BC and trying for a baby since August 2011 and we'd become concerned because I was not longer getting monthly periods. In short, my doctor informed me that I had a medical condition called Anovulation and while a healthy, typical woman would ovulate every month and have an opportunity every month to become pregnant, I did not. She gave me a lot of information and some options. I left her office and was immediately thrown into this new reality where I was most definitely going to need medical intervention to become pregnant.

I never thought, in that moment sitting on an exam table, that we would be rejoicing like this a  year later. Then, it felt like she was telling me I would never be a mother. That might sound dramatic, but when you live your entire adult life believing you will always have a chance and then that chance get's knocked down to 50% it is a huge adjustment.

I thank God everyday that we didn't give up. I thank God every day for the friends and family who knew and who stuck by us, encouraging us. The girls who came over and drank way too much wine with me. Who took me out and showed me how much fun there was to be had until our baby came to us. We have been so very blessed to have, what could have ruined us, ruined our marriage and destroyed our faith, actually bring us closer to each other and to the people around us. This wasn't a challenge I was looking for. This wasn't a trial I felt I needed to go through, but I cannot sit here and say that it hasn't taught me so much about love, patience and about our Lord. His ability to lift you up when you feel like you could never go on.

My child wasn't promised to me. No one ever told me there was a chance that this wouldn't happen for us. And no matter what the outcome is of this pregnancy, I have felt the miracle of life begin within me and it has increased my capacity for love. Our child has a heartbeat. Our child has a name and a room in our home. He or She is already a member of our family and we are already in love with Baby D. I hardly waited until the little blue line on my pregnancy tests were set before I told everyone. I know that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but when this miracle has taken almost 2 years to get here I just couldn't wait!

In the end, I know that this is something my body CAN do. And that is a huge victory for us, because for a long time we really didn't know if that was possible. After all the tests, the poking and prodding, I am pregnant!

Thank you so very much for hanging in there with me. To all of you who have messaged me and cheered for me, I love you all. I couldn't have made it through all of this without you, THANK YOU! 

11 Week Update

Well! Am I happy to be nearing the end of the first trimester.

Every day I am feeling less queasy and have more and more energy. I actually feel really bad because I know I have spent the last 3 1/2 weeks complaining about the morning sickness and exhaustion. My poor husband has come home to a whining pile of wife on the couch each night! My friends have been all but abandoned because I cannot seem to stay up passed 7:30/8:00 pm. I have, basically, been completely worthless for a month.

The turning point came last week when I got an absolutely awful cold from my kids at school (yeah, I just went back to teaching full time right when we found out about baby D). While I was sick, I found that my appetite had returned somewhat. I still couldn't stomach much meat or cook anything in oil, but I was actually hungry for the first time in a while. After the cold went away I had morning sickness again for about a day, since then I've been on the mend! When all was said and done I lost 3 pounds in the month of January.

I haven't been able to lose 3 pounds in 3 months while TRYING, really really hard. I was a little worried, but my friends and my doctor assure me this is completely normal in the first trimester, especially when you've been battling morning sickness.

11 wks, a bit bloated, but no bump yet! 

So this week we got to see Baby D again at our check up and he/she was moving all around, it was such a sight to see. I could clearly make out the little arms, which were draped above the babies head like a little gorilla. It's back was to us so we couldn't see much else, but just seeing him/her move around like that reminded me of how fast this pregnancy could go. I mean, it was only a few short weeks ago that all we could see was a little mass of cells on the screen. Now our baby has limbs and knows how to move them! That's insane to me, when did that happen?

Every single step we take on this journey has taken my breath away. I feel so many things at any given moment (did I mention that we saw some of our first pregnancy mood swings this week?) but lately all I feel is humbled. I am providing/growing/supporting life for this new human being. I am responsible for taking care of myself and nurturing this pregnancy until our baby is developed enough to meet us. This is such an incredible honor and I don't take it lightly. I am in love with that little gorilla, formerly our gummy bear, formerly our poppy seed and soon to be our first born child.

Ultrasound @ 10wks. Not much to make out but I thought I'd share it anyway!

We've elected to have some genetic testing done and I will return for an update once they are complete (in another 2 weeks or so). We MIGHT also find out the babies gender during that time so stay tuned and keep on sending me those baby girl names- so far we have NONE!

Have a great Sunday- enjoy the game and GO BRONCOS!!!

Happy Birthday to me! Frustrations of a former food lover.

Well this was a VERY special week, not just because it was my birthday week, but because I got to see Baby D for the first time day before yesterday! I was SO nervous and kept telling myself not to get my hopes up of being able to see anything yet. But there he/she was. Just relaxing. We got to see the heart beat too, which made my skip a little. It was a wonderful day! 

We are now 8 weeks in and this tiny little baby (he/she is the size of a raspberry this week!) apparently hates food! Baby D hates the smell of food, the look of food, all parts of the kitchen that house food (like the fridge and pantry!). 

Ok, I understand the science behind morning sickness and I totally "get" that what is happening isn't Baby D's fault...but I need someone to blame this on. I mean...I am a FOODIE. Surely it's not MY body that's doing this. It's the babies. My body just does what the little womb invader tells it to.  Currently no one is allowed to cook in my home. Ever. I can smell it when I come home from work. Our friend is staying with us temporarily and he tried cooking while I was asleep and I woke up crying. Bawling that the house stunk! 

I tried browning some taco meat for Dh the other night and was ill 2 minutes into cooking and had to abandon the meal completely. My poor husband. We've been living off of frozen chicken fingers we bought from Trader Joes. Trail mix and a banana is also a safe little meal. Plain white rice, steamed potatoes and lots of water with lemon. I absolutely loathe the stench scent of coffee, cooking meat, bacon, beer, and oil/fat of any kind. This is coming from the same women who will stab someone over perfectly rendered chicken skin. 

Essentially, if I used to love it before, I hate it now. 

I am comforted by the number of people who assure me that this much morning sickness is a good sign because it could mean a strong pregnancy. I hope they are right. I know I won't always feel this miserable and I know that this is all part of what I signed up for...I've just never experienced nausea for this long in my entire life. And I am frustrated because I do feel hungry, it's just that everything sounds disgusting! 

Ah, the joys of pregnancy. Okay, I can't leave you with all this complaining...let's see... Oh! Dh bought me a belly band this week, which was way sweet of him. He'd heard me huffing and puffing trying to get my pants on all week and took it upon himself to help me out. Although I am not showing yet, the bloat of early pregnancy is no joke and regular jeans are so uncomfortable. We have settled on a name if Baby D is a boy (not sharing it just yet, sorry) but we're still working on one for a girl. Yes, that is totally an invitation to give us some suggestions. 

There are so many exciting things about early pregnancy. Learning that our baby has little joints in his/her arms and legs, and little eyelids...these things take our breath away. It's such a short amount of time and yet, it's a baby. With limbs, and a heartbeat of 144bpm! I feel much more than just morning sickness and fatigue. I feel excited, hopeful and anxious. I feel a little more complete than I did 8 weeks ago. I already feel so much love for this little thing that's still rapidly growing every week. 

I prayed and prayed for this. I dreamt about this. And this is definitely a journey I want to cherish every second of, even the unpleasant ones. 

Merry Christmas to Us!!

So....

I got a cake today.

A cake to tell Dh that we're finally pregnant.
After all the praying, the poking and prodding, the tests and the meds...we're actually pregnant.

I am over the moon.
I am terrified.
Oh, my god...I am pregnant!! 

50-70%

...Take a deep breath Eva....

I've had this blog for few years, and I've struggled in deciding how much of our personal lives I should reveal. I value privacy, but I also appreciate the impact that sharing your struggles can have on those going through similar trials. It might help to hear from women who have gone through this, who have come out on the other end. I just know that I can't let these feelings sit and fester.

So here I am. Sitting here thinking I should just stick to the plan and post a cute story about how I've been trying to eat healthy and upload some great shots of all the lunches I've been packing for Mike and I.
But I can't really find the words and I can't really think of food right now at all. I can't concentrate on anything. It's just this endless loop replaying in my head. My doctor saying things like "you did everything right, this isn't anyone's fault." I can hear her making bad music analogies to help me understand. She is saying, "it's like your metronome is stuck and this medication can help unstick it. We think it will be an easy fix."

I am numb. I am sitting in her office feeling stupid for not understanding it was this serious and wishing so

badly that I had brought my husband. My hands are shaking, and I am choking back tears. This isn't happening. I am only 28 years old, everyone...everyone said I had plenty of time. My doctor is handing me a box of tissues. I ask about my birth control, is it to blame? She says no, that this is just my particular "body chemistry." She encourages me not to beat myself up. I'd always wished we'd started trying earlier and now I am thinking if only we went off birth control earlier...she stops me, "There's no way to know, don't do that to yourself."

She hands me my prescriptions, one for Clomid and one for something called Provera. She hands me some pamphlets that say things like "Coping with Infertility" and "Infertility Treatments." I hold them, choking back tears again, remembering that I am alone and I will have to drive myself home. I walk to my car, tears streaking down my cheek and I sit in my car for a few minutes, stunned like this.

I come home and wake my husband (who is on night shift and very groggy). I am weeping uncontrollably trying to explain what I learned at my appointment. He is confused and says he doesn't understand, he's demanding I get a second opinion. I tell him there's no need, I knew..I don't know how I knew, I just did.
I explain that the reason I haven't had a period in months isn't because we're pregnant. It's because I am not ovulating. And if I can't ovulate well...

I tell him that my doctor prescribed some medication for Ovulation Induction. If it works correctly, I should start ovulating again within 6 treatments. I know this is a silver lining, I know this isn't a death sentence but I am just so crushed. I've been living my entire life thinking that when I was ready for a baby all I had to do was go at it with my husband for a few months and then -BAM- baby time. Now I am facing a new reality. One where sex, our favorite extra curricular activity, is going to become our full time job. After I take all these pills I will have to spend the next week monitoring my ovulation and making sure that we are intimate during that short window. If we are "unsuccessful" (I am told not to use that word, but...) then we repeat the process again in a month. Women who undergo Ovulation Induction with this combination of medication have a 50-70% chance of becoming pregnant. In one hour my chances of having a baby went from 100% to maybe 70%.

Mike laid with me for a while. When the crying ceased I took to the internet to do some research on these medications. I'm not certain of what to do at this point. Obviously I want to become a mother, but where do I draw the line? There's a lot of different things for me/us to take into consideration. Certain health and moral implications of taking hormones to make my body do something it isn't doing on it's own. And there's no guarantee that the medication will work. 70% chance? 70% is a C. I feel like that's what's now branded on my uterus. A big red C-. And I feel so guilty for all those years I flip flopped on the topic of children. I keep on trying to remind myself that this isn't all she wrote, but then why does it feel like that?

....UPDATE.....

So, it's been 2 months since I first wrote this entry. I gave myself some time before posting it because things were still so fresh and I was feeling very raw, and exposed when I wrote it. I know now, after letting some time go by, that I do need to share my story. I know it because the more I talk to women about what I've gone through so far, the more they open up to me and share their own struggles. It made me realize just how common fertility issues are. Maybe there is someone out there right now who feels awfully alone and who feels confused and alone. I hope that person reads this and has the courage to go out and share their story too.

Some of the things I've heard in the last two months have ranged from extremely encouraging to incredibly discouraging. And I say that to warn other women in this position to do the research themselves. Every woman's body is different  and another persons story is NOT your story. So be careful.

I have also been so shocked by the responses of friends and family, again...ranging from totally supportive to really and truly clueless. And I can't blame the ones who don't know what to say. I didn't even know how to tell my husband. But sometimes, saying nothing is better...believe me...sometimes saying nothing is MUCH better.

People want to encourage you to "not give up" but sometimes asking a woman who is dealing with infertility to "just keep trying" can make her feel really awful. I can't describe it exactly, but if you can imagine putting your body through fertility drugs, and the emotional toll that failed attempts take on you and on your body...you might think twice about asking a woman not to give up on getting pregnant.

Currently my husband and I are weighing the pro's and con's of each of our options. I am not ready to completely accept that this is it for us. I want to give my body some time. I want to trust my body. All of this...has just been such an emotional struggle for me. I am trying to live as normally as possible, like we did before the bad news.

I know I have so much to be thankful for and I am concentrating on that. The reason we chose now to start trying, is because things are going so well. And I need to remember that when I have bad days. My life is very whole right now, I have an amazingly supportive, loving husband. Fantastic, encouraging friends and a very satisfying career. I am still healthy and in love with life, the helplessness and pain I felt the day we found out will not rule my life.

 I am comforted by all of this and I am  I know, deep down in my heart that I will still get to be a parent some day- one way or another.

Some links that have helped:

For info about Clomid & Ovulation Induction
For infertility support and resources

Where else can I get support?

Local Community Centers. In our county the local community calender has tons of information for support groups and if you're considering fostering or adopting they can point you in the right direction for getting started.
Church. First thing we did was make an appointment with our priest to walk us through some of the moral issues we felt we would face in taking fertility medication. Not really into organized religion? You could confide in your own spiritual adviser, or just someone in your life you particularly trust and look up to.
Friends. even if you don't want to talk about "it" anymore, call them up and get out of the house.
RESOLVE. aka The National Infertility Association has everything from online support groups, information on treatment options, stress management while TTC and countless resources to other organizations.
Family Family Family. Mike and I have become such a team through this. I have learned how much my husband truly wanted to start a family. Of course I knew that before, but men don't let on, as much as we might, how baldy they'd like to be daddy's. My in laws have been incredible as well. They still tell us how excited they are for us and their faith hasn't wavered. My father in law just told us over dinner this weekend, that he is behind us 100% no matter what we choose to do and that kind of unconditional support is priceless right now.