Merry Christmas to Us!!

So....

I got a cake today.

A cake to tell Dh that we're finally pregnant.
After all the praying, the poking and prodding, the tests and the meds...we're actually pregnant.

I am over the moon.
I am terrified.
Oh, my god...I am pregnant!! 

TTC Update and Giant Cheat Day Cookie Recipes.

First of all, I just wanted to say THANK YOU, again to everyone who has been cheering for Mike and I this passed year. We are barely 6 months in and it's been one of the hardest years of my life.
I will not drag you through some long depressing, dramatic post to tell you that our first round of ovulation induction did not go as we'd hoped. After 5 negative pregnancy tests and a few calls back and forth to my doctor, I am finally dealing with the reality- I am not pregnant. Again.

I know that we have so much going for us right now. We are both employed, madly in love, have incredible friends and family supporting us. I know I should try and be positive. I keep telling myself this is just a bump in the road. This is temporary. I keep telling myself not to let this rule my life and bring me down...but this f*cking sucks.

Yeah...I know...GASP! A curse word!

I'm sorry. There's no way to sugar coat this. In the same week that I find out my sister in law is pregnant with their 5th (yeah) child, and after putting my body and my husband through hell on Clomid...nothing. Another negative test. And I swear to you, that negative sign has got some attitude. It's brighter and more assertive every time I have to see it. I call Mike in (poor guy) "Look at it, seriously? Is it negative? Does it still look negative to you?" To make matters worse, I got a terrible stomach bug right around day 25. I got so excited! I thought it was the first stages of morning sickness or fatigue. It was not morning sickness, it was not fatigue...it was bad fish. Is that cruel, or what?

The next step is taking more tests, far more invasive tests. Our doctor will be testing for PCOS and a bunch of other acronyms for syndromes I cannot pronounce, I think one of for a tumor in your brain that blocks ovulation? I know one is to see if my tubes are blocked. I am especially not looking forward to that one- Google it, and you'll understand. If all the tests come back normal then we will start our second cycle of Clomid, which will be stronger and even more awful than the first round.

I have allowed myself a couple of cheat days or "pity parties" since all of this started. One on the day I found out about the anovulation and another each time I got a BFN. We've actually been so busy with different social events since the ovulation induction, that there hasn't been time for any pity parties, which is a good thing. My friends have been keeping me distracted and I cannot say enough how nice that has been.




However, I am not one to deny myself a little hall pass on the diet front when I am feeling blue. So I decided that my pity party this month will completely center around the most amazingly addictive, chocolately, dangerous Giant Cheat Day Cookie. I found this recipe on Sally's Baking Addiction and I have seriously had to watch myself. I ALWAYS have just enough ingredients on hand to make one of these gigantic "XXL Death By Chocolate Cookies" (as Sally calls them). Is that a coincidence that I always have the ingredients? Or is this by design? No one knows, but everyone wants these cookies.

Whether you choose to make more than one is your decision. Since I am
trying to shed some weight I plugged the cookie recipe in my Sparks People recipe calculator, I don't know if I should even tell you how many points it is...it's a lot! Much more than you'd think. But it's SO good. And I suppose if you're girlfriends are over helping you get through your crummy day, you can share it with them.
 Because it really does feed four. Mike and I have shared this right out of the oven with a scoop of ice cream and it is HEAVEN. 

Knowing that it is so naughty, I try really hard to only make it a few times a year, month...week. This is my "break in case of emergency" recipe. Comfort food at it's finest. Also, it makes me wanna hit the gym afterwards which is great for my mood. I call that a win win. In high stress situations I think it's important to nurture yourself a little, treat yourself and pamper yourself. These are things I am trying to remember lately. Sally's blog had recipes for Reeses peanut butter cookies, snickerdoodles, soft sugar cookies and the death by chocolate cookie, I haven't tried the others but the DBC is what inspired me to try some other flavors.

Jessica and I made a classic chocolate chip, cinnamon chip oatmeal raisin (not shown because it came out AWFUL- I'll explain), double peanut butter, and death by chocolate. We didn't mess with Sally's recipe on that last one- it is seriously to die for as is. My absolute favorite was the peanut butter cookie. At first I thought we cooked it a little too long, but when I dug in it was perfect. Just chewy enough, crunchy from the nuts and SO peanut buttery. Mmmm!

Check the fridge to make sure you have enough milk on hand to tackle one of these bad boys. They are definitely giant enough to share (think Pizookie) but, it IS a cheat day...so...why would you??

As always, keep checking back for more TTC updates. I don't anticipate knowing anything knew for a few weeks or a month, when all the test results come back. Until then, please keep us in your prayers. Though this journey has brought us closer together, it still really weighs on us and we struggle day to day wondering what the right choices are. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I appreciate you all not judging me for whining and whining about how long this is taking. It may not be the longest running fertility issue you've heard about, but this is ours and it's all very new and very scary.

Thanks again, from the bottom of my chocolate soaked heart!

COOKIE RECIPES!!

TTC Update

Hey All,

Here's a very quick update on the TTC front.

In April, after doing some research and consulting with our doctor, Mike and I decided to try our first round of ovulation induction.

I started a course of clomid on May 1st. The side effects were shorter much milder than I'd anticipated (read too many horror stories online!) and I was able to continue my daily responsibilities while on the medication.

SO MUCH CHARTING!!

So, if you're not familiar with the sort of "schedule" during ovulation induction there is a lot of charting, testing and scheduling involved. If you do not get a menstrual cycle you start off with a prescription for Provera which should give you your period. Somehow, out of no where and after 6 months of no cycle I got one right before we were to start the Clomid. Fate? I sure hope so! While the side effects were certainly not as bad as I figured they'd be, I was very uncomfortable during the entire treatment. I experienced hot flashes, dry mouth, epic and I mean EPIC mood swings, and a little cramping. For me, the hot flashes were the worst of it, for Mike...it was the weeping and the whining. Poor guy.

So after a menstrual cycle you start a the Clomid on day 5. You take this until day 10 of your cycle and then check for ovulation during days 12-19. Obviously there is a lot of...ehem...intimate times during days 12-19. The point is to make a baby yes? Yes.

I was instructed to test myself for ovulation and days 12-15 all came back negative for an LH surge. It was discouraging, after all we went through during the week on Clomid, it looked like the meds weren't working.

Victory! In the form of two consecutive positive results for LH Surge. 

It was a VERY happy day on day 16 when our first test came back positive for an LH surge! Finally we get some good news! Sooo, now you can understand why I have had to be MIA this month. We are hoping for some even better news later this month so cross your fingers.

It was a long shot that the Clomid would work and yet here we are! So I am very hopeful and very excited about the future.

Thank You all for the continued support and well wishes!

5/16/2013 UPDATE: 

Had a doctors appointment yesterday to follow up after the first round of Clomid. The Dr. says everything is looking good and she was thrilled that we saw some LH Surges on the OPK. We are in the 2 week wait window now and we are a bundle of  nerves. My Dr. (Dr. P) gave us a bunch of lab paperwork just in case this round didn't work. She thinks we should get a better idea of what could be causing the Anovulation. At this point we don't really know what is going on, but now that we know I can ovulate, we need to check some other things. I am nervous because some of these tests do not, at all, sound like fun. Especially the one that checks for blockages in your Fallopian tubes...No. No thanks. Our test date (for pregnancy) is the 23rd. I appreciate ALL sorts of prayers and well wishes (the ladies on the TTC forums would say "baby dust"). 

I remain hopeful, look for an update soon,

thanks again to you all!!

Not Pregnant...Again....Finding The Silver Lining Around That One Pink Line

Since January I've taken one pregnancy test roughly every 2 1/2-3 weeks. Since I have no regular cycle I don't get that natural cue from my body (a missed period) to test. I have cut my consumption of caffeine and processed foods substantially and I am trying to stay away from booze entirely, although I have allowed a few splurges in the days after a negative pregnancy test since I have confirmation that I am in the clear...so to speak.

                            Dealing with a negative pregnancy test while TTC

I can't quite describe to you how testing day feels. It is a mix of nerves and hopes and deep pain and sadness. Obviously, we haven't gotten pregnant yet (I stopped myself just now from saying "succeeded in getting pregnant")

The rest of the day is spent feeling a mix of emotions ranging from disappointment, sadness, anger, jealousy (we just found out another of our good friends is pregnant), a twinge of relief, which then makes me feel guilty.

Yes I feel relieved after a negative test.  I feel awful admitting that! I feel like I am betraying all my fellow TTC'ers, but I have to imagine that other women may feel similarly and are, like me, afraid to admit it.

 Why do I feel relieved? I don't quite know exactly ALL the reasons but I suppose it has something to do with the fact that being pregnant will change everything! I was just talking to a dear old friend of mine, Leigh Ann, who fell pregnant a few short months after she and her boyfriend became engaged. They were blessed with an adorable baby boy, Michael, right around they were supposed to get hitched. To say he was a "surprise" baby is an understatement, but I see them now and there's just no "surprise" about it. Baby Michael was absolutely meant for Leigh Ann and Christopher, proof that destiny doesn't give a crap about your time table!

 Anyway, she and I were talking on the phone (from her brand new home! eeek!!) and she was picking my brain about hiring childcare. I listed some of the pro's and con's of all the options, from daycare to finding a quality nanny. At the end of the conversation I could just hear this big overwhelmed sort of sigh or a breath of frustration coming from her end of the phone. You could tell she just had so much to consider and it was weighing on her. It occurred to me then, that no matter how destined you are to become a parent or how amazingly good at it you will be...it's still really flippin hard! There are just so many variables to consider ...every.... single.... day, once you're a mother.

Being a parent means thinking about some other little person all day long and sometimes forgetting to eat breakfast (and lunch) because you're so busy changing diapers, washing burp cloths and trying to figure out where little Jr. is going to hang out for 12 hours when/if you go back work.

Of course I knew all of this before hand, I mean we've been trying to get pregnant for almost 6 months now and we've talked about everything we could think of for even a year before that. What schools we like, names we hate, how to convince our families to move closer etc. BUT thinking and planning are completely different than doing. Saying you'll sacrifice sleep, clean clothes and much needed grown up social time is a nice sentiment until you're going on day 11 of no sleep and all your blouses have nursing spots on them.

So, yes...when I see that damned one pink line on my pregnancy test I feel a lot of things and one of them is a little relief. I think to myself, "Alright, this sucks...BUT I guess that means a few more months of sleeping in and going on spur of the moment road trips." It's not an easy transition for me and it usually takes several hours/days of tantrums sulking and even some pints of ice cream weeping on Mikes chest.

                           Hey, did you know next week is National Infertility Awareness Week?

I want to be a mother. More than anything. As a matter of fact, Mike and I decided that in May, we will start ovulation induction meds adding a whole other dimension of stress/anxiety/hope/excitement to testing. Testing days are already the hardest days of the month for me so going forward I think it's important I learn to start looking for the silver lining. The silver lining keeps me sane. The silver lining holds me over until the next test. It reminds me that I still have a life to live, and the reason we've chosen now to try and get pregnant is because our lives are in such a great place.

I might not be pregnant yet but when I finally am pregnant I am guessing I will wish I took advantage of this pre-baby time while I still had the chance. So, here's to a quiet house, mimosa's on the back porch, sleeping in till 10 am and girls night out!

I am curious, if you're having trouble TTC, what are the days like after a negative PT for you? Can you think of some silver linings in your own situation? Please share!

50-70%

...Take a deep breath Eva....

I've had this blog for few years, and I've struggled in deciding how much of our personal lives I should reveal. I value privacy, but I also appreciate the impact that sharing your struggles can have on those going through similar trials. It might help to hear from women who have gone through this, who have come out on the other end. I just know that I can't let these feelings sit and fester.

So here I am. Sitting here thinking I should just stick to the plan and post a cute story about how I've been trying to eat healthy and upload some great shots of all the lunches I've been packing for Mike and I.
But I can't really find the words and I can't really think of food right now at all. I can't concentrate on anything. It's just this endless loop replaying in my head. My doctor saying things like "you did everything right, this isn't anyone's fault." I can hear her making bad music analogies to help me understand. She is saying, "it's like your metronome is stuck and this medication can help unstick it. We think it will be an easy fix."

I am numb. I am sitting in her office feeling stupid for not understanding it was this serious and wishing so

badly that I had brought my husband. My hands are shaking, and I am choking back tears. This isn't happening. I am only 28 years old, everyone...everyone said I had plenty of time. My doctor is handing me a box of tissues. I ask about my birth control, is it to blame? She says no, that this is just my particular "body chemistry." She encourages me not to beat myself up. I'd always wished we'd started trying earlier and now I am thinking if only we went off birth control earlier...she stops me, "There's no way to know, don't do that to yourself."

She hands me my prescriptions, one for Clomid and one for something called Provera. She hands me some pamphlets that say things like "Coping with Infertility" and "Infertility Treatments." I hold them, choking back tears again, remembering that I am alone and I will have to drive myself home. I walk to my car, tears streaking down my cheek and I sit in my car for a few minutes, stunned like this.

I come home and wake my husband (who is on night shift and very groggy). I am weeping uncontrollably trying to explain what I learned at my appointment. He is confused and says he doesn't understand, he's demanding I get a second opinion. I tell him there's no need, I knew..I don't know how I knew, I just did.
I explain that the reason I haven't had a period in months isn't because we're pregnant. It's because I am not ovulating. And if I can't ovulate well...

I tell him that my doctor prescribed some medication for Ovulation Induction. If it works correctly, I should start ovulating again within 6 treatments. I know this is a silver lining, I know this isn't a death sentence but I am just so crushed. I've been living my entire life thinking that when I was ready for a baby all I had to do was go at it with my husband for a few months and then -BAM- baby time. Now I am facing a new reality. One where sex, our favorite extra curricular activity, is going to become our full time job. After I take all these pills I will have to spend the next week monitoring my ovulation and making sure that we are intimate during that short window. If we are "unsuccessful" (I am told not to use that word, but...) then we repeat the process again in a month. Women who undergo Ovulation Induction with this combination of medication have a 50-70% chance of becoming pregnant. In one hour my chances of having a baby went from 100% to maybe 70%.

Mike laid with me for a while. When the crying ceased I took to the internet to do some research on these medications. I'm not certain of what to do at this point. Obviously I want to become a mother, but where do I draw the line? There's a lot of different things for me/us to take into consideration. Certain health and moral implications of taking hormones to make my body do something it isn't doing on it's own. And there's no guarantee that the medication will work. 70% chance? 70% is a C. I feel like that's what's now branded on my uterus. A big red C-. And I feel so guilty for all those years I flip flopped on the topic of children. I keep on trying to remind myself that this isn't all she wrote, but then why does it feel like that?

....UPDATE.....

So, it's been 2 months since I first wrote this entry. I gave myself some time before posting it because things were still so fresh and I was feeling very raw, and exposed when I wrote it. I know now, after letting some time go by, that I do need to share my story. I know it because the more I talk to women about what I've gone through so far, the more they open up to me and share their own struggles. It made me realize just how common fertility issues are. Maybe there is someone out there right now who feels awfully alone and who feels confused and alone. I hope that person reads this and has the courage to go out and share their story too.

Some of the things I've heard in the last two months have ranged from extremely encouraging to incredibly discouraging. And I say that to warn other women in this position to do the research themselves. Every woman's body is different  and another persons story is NOT your story. So be careful.

I have also been so shocked by the responses of friends and family, again...ranging from totally supportive to really and truly clueless. And I can't blame the ones who don't know what to say. I didn't even know how to tell my husband. But sometimes, saying nothing is better...believe me...sometimes saying nothing is MUCH better.

People want to encourage you to "not give up" but sometimes asking a woman who is dealing with infertility to "just keep trying" can make her feel really awful. I can't describe it exactly, but if you can imagine putting your body through fertility drugs, and the emotional toll that failed attempts take on you and on your body...you might think twice about asking a woman not to give up on getting pregnant.

Currently my husband and I are weighing the pro's and con's of each of our options. I am not ready to completely accept that this is it for us. I want to give my body some time. I want to trust my body. All of this...has just been such an emotional struggle for me. I am trying to live as normally as possible, like we did before the bad news.

I know I have so much to be thankful for and I am concentrating on that. The reason we chose now to start trying, is because things are going so well. And I need to remember that when I have bad days. My life is very whole right now, I have an amazingly supportive, loving husband. Fantastic, encouraging friends and a very satisfying career. I am still healthy and in love with life, the helplessness and pain I felt the day we found out will not rule my life.

 I am comforted by all of this and I am  I know, deep down in my heart that I will still get to be a parent some day- one way or another.

Some links that have helped:

For info about Clomid & Ovulation Induction
For infertility support and resources

Where else can I get support?

Local Community Centers. In our county the local community calender has tons of information for support groups and if you're considering fostering or adopting they can point you in the right direction for getting started.
Church. First thing we did was make an appointment with our priest to walk us through some of the moral issues we felt we would face in taking fertility medication. Not really into organized religion? You could confide in your own spiritual adviser, or just someone in your life you particularly trust and look up to.
Friends. even if you don't want to talk about "it" anymore, call them up and get out of the house.
RESOLVE. aka The National Infertility Association has everything from online support groups, information on treatment options, stress management while TTC and countless resources to other organizations.
Family Family Family. Mike and I have become such a team through this. I have learned how much my husband truly wanted to start a family. Of course I knew that before, but men don't let on, as much as we might, how baldy they'd like to be daddy's. My in laws have been incredible as well. They still tell us how excited they are for us and their faith hasn't wavered. My father in law just told us over dinner this weekend, that he is behind us 100% no matter what we choose to do and that kind of unconditional support is priceless right now.