11 Week Update

Well! Am I happy to be nearing the end of the first trimester.

Every day I am feeling less queasy and have more and more energy. I actually feel really bad because I know I have spent the last 3 1/2 weeks complaining about the morning sickness and exhaustion. My poor husband has come home to a whining pile of wife on the couch each night! My friends have been all but abandoned because I cannot seem to stay up passed 7:30/8:00 pm. I have, basically, been completely worthless for a month.

The turning point came last week when I got an absolutely awful cold from my kids at school (yeah, I just went back to teaching full time right when we found out about baby D). While I was sick, I found that my appetite had returned somewhat. I still couldn't stomach much meat or cook anything in oil, but I was actually hungry for the first time in a while. After the cold went away I had morning sickness again for about a day, since then I've been on the mend! When all was said and done I lost 3 pounds in the month of January.

I haven't been able to lose 3 pounds in 3 months while TRYING, really really hard. I was a little worried, but my friends and my doctor assure me this is completely normal in the first trimester, especially when you've been battling morning sickness.

11 wks, a bit bloated, but no bump yet! 

So this week we got to see Baby D again at our check up and he/she was moving all around, it was such a sight to see. I could clearly make out the little arms, which were draped above the babies head like a little gorilla. It's back was to us so we couldn't see much else, but just seeing him/her move around like that reminded me of how fast this pregnancy could go. I mean, it was only a few short weeks ago that all we could see was a little mass of cells on the screen. Now our baby has limbs and knows how to move them! That's insane to me, when did that happen?

Every single step we take on this journey has taken my breath away. I feel so many things at any given moment (did I mention that we saw some of our first pregnancy mood swings this week?) but lately all I feel is humbled. I am providing/growing/supporting life for this new human being. I am responsible for taking care of myself and nurturing this pregnancy until our baby is developed enough to meet us. This is such an incredible honor and I don't take it lightly. I am in love with that little gorilla, formerly our gummy bear, formerly our poppy seed and soon to be our first born child.

Ultrasound @ 10wks. Not much to make out but I thought I'd share it anyway!

We've elected to have some genetic testing done and I will return for an update once they are complete (in another 2 weeks or so). We MIGHT also find out the babies gender during that time so stay tuned and keep on sending me those baby girl names- so far we have NONE!

Have a great Sunday- enjoy the game and GO BRONCOS!!!

Happy Birthday to me! Frustrations of a former food lover.

Well this was a VERY special week, not just because it was my birthday week, but because I got to see Baby D for the first time day before yesterday! I was SO nervous and kept telling myself not to get my hopes up of being able to see anything yet. But there he/she was. Just relaxing. We got to see the heart beat too, which made my skip a little. It was a wonderful day! 

We are now 8 weeks in and this tiny little baby (he/she is the size of a raspberry this week!) apparently hates food! Baby D hates the smell of food, the look of food, all parts of the kitchen that house food (like the fridge and pantry!). 

Ok, I understand the science behind morning sickness and I totally "get" that what is happening isn't Baby D's fault...but I need someone to blame this on. I mean...I am a FOODIE. Surely it's not MY body that's doing this. It's the babies. My body just does what the little womb invader tells it to.  Currently no one is allowed to cook in my home. Ever. I can smell it when I come home from work. Our friend is staying with us temporarily and he tried cooking while I was asleep and I woke up crying. Bawling that the house stunk! 

I tried browning some taco meat for Dh the other night and was ill 2 minutes into cooking and had to abandon the meal completely. My poor husband. We've been living off of frozen chicken fingers we bought from Trader Joes. Trail mix and a banana is also a safe little meal. Plain white rice, steamed potatoes and lots of water with lemon. I absolutely loathe the stench scent of coffee, cooking meat, bacon, beer, and oil/fat of any kind. This is coming from the same women who will stab someone over perfectly rendered chicken skin. 

Essentially, if I used to love it before, I hate it now. 

I am comforted by the number of people who assure me that this much morning sickness is a good sign because it could mean a strong pregnancy. I hope they are right. I know I won't always feel this miserable and I know that this is all part of what I signed up for...I've just never experienced nausea for this long in my entire life. And I am frustrated because I do feel hungry, it's just that everything sounds disgusting! 

Ah, the joys of pregnancy. Okay, I can't leave you with all this complaining...let's see... Oh! Dh bought me a belly band this week, which was way sweet of him. He'd heard me huffing and puffing trying to get my pants on all week and took it upon himself to help me out. Although I am not showing yet, the bloat of early pregnancy is no joke and regular jeans are so uncomfortable. We have settled on a name if Baby D is a boy (not sharing it just yet, sorry) but we're still working on one for a girl. Yes, that is totally an invitation to give us some suggestions. 

There are so many exciting things about early pregnancy. Learning that our baby has little joints in his/her arms and legs, and little eyelids...these things take our breath away. It's such a short amount of time and yet, it's a baby. With limbs, and a heartbeat of 144bpm! I feel much more than just morning sickness and fatigue. I feel excited, hopeful and anxious. I feel a little more complete than I did 8 weeks ago. I already feel so much love for this little thing that's still rapidly growing every week. 

I prayed and prayed for this. I dreamt about this. And this is definitely a journey I want to cherish every second of, even the unpleasant ones. 

Happy New Year & A Quick pregnancy update

Well as I am running around, still very much in shock that this is really happening, I realized I should pop in real quick and let you all know how things are going.

I have my first prenatal check up scheduled for Monday the 6th. I would love all the well wishes and good vibes you could send our way. I spoke to my nurse practitioner on the phone this week and based off my LMP she estimated I could be about 5-6 weeks along. I'd say that's about right, I've been charting, obviously, due to the Clomid and I will let the OB know exactly when I ovulated and that should get us a much more accurate idea of how far along I am.

Christmas was amazing and all Dh's family knows now. They were thrilled and showered us with so much love, I was overwhelmed. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the kind of in-laws I have. My SIL was bawling and hugged me so hard I thought I'd pop. I've never been close to my sister and to feel that kind of love and support from someone who I am not biologically related to is indescribable.

I had to get through the last week of school (finals) while completely distracted with the knowledge that there was a tiny bundle of nerves in my body developing into our baby. I don't know how I did on finals and I don't care. LOL!

I am not feeling much yet besides total exhaustion and a little heartburn. I was able to eat everything I would normally eat for Christmas (yum!). Today I've felt a little bit more nausea type symptoms (indigestion and wooziness) and that worries me because we are hosting a big dinner party tonight. I am still holding out hope that I will be one of the luck ones who doesn't get plagued with morning sickness! Cross your fingers that's the case! (UPDATE--- That was totally NOT the case. Way to jinx myself!!)

I sleep as much as possible because I am exhausted all the time, and I am feeling really worried about how things are going to go once I am back at work full time. Actually, I am worried about pretty much everything. I worry more than pretty much anything else these days. Did I cough too hard? Am I allowed to eat this? Was that cramp normal? I feel so fragile. Like everything I do will jeopardize my pregnancy. Dh is trying to keep me calm and is doing a great job at reassuring me. The best thing I've heard so far was that if pregnancy was really all that fragile, our planet wouldn't be so overpopulated! That helped put things in perspective!

Early pregnancy is a scary time. But it's also a magical time, and I need to keep reminding myself that. Right now our baby might be the size of a poppy seed (that's it's nickname at the moment) but it's doubling and even tripling in size every week! This baby has defeated all the odds and is HERE. No matter what happens, I got pregnant and life is beginning inside of me right now. That is a beautiful thing, much much more beautiful than it is terrifying. I just need to keep repeating that to myself!

Thank you all for your support over the last year and a half. There were days I never thought we'd get here and if it hadn't been for all your love and prayers, I might have given up. We love you! Thank you so much!

Merry Christmas to Us!!

So....

I got a cake today.

A cake to tell Dh that we're finally pregnant.
After all the praying, the poking and prodding, the tests and the meds...we're actually pregnant.

I am over the moon.
I am terrified.
Oh, my god...I am pregnant!! 

50-70%

...Take a deep breath Eva....

I've had this blog for few years, and I've struggled in deciding how much of our personal lives I should reveal. I value privacy, but I also appreciate the impact that sharing your struggles can have on those going through similar trials. It might help to hear from women who have gone through this, who have come out on the other end. I just know that I can't let these feelings sit and fester.

So here I am. Sitting here thinking I should just stick to the plan and post a cute story about how I've been trying to eat healthy and upload some great shots of all the lunches I've been packing for Mike and I.
But I can't really find the words and I can't really think of food right now at all. I can't concentrate on anything. It's just this endless loop replaying in my head. My doctor saying things like "you did everything right, this isn't anyone's fault." I can hear her making bad music analogies to help me understand. She is saying, "it's like your metronome is stuck and this medication can help unstick it. We think it will be an easy fix."

I am numb. I am sitting in her office feeling stupid for not understanding it was this serious and wishing so

badly that I had brought my husband. My hands are shaking, and I am choking back tears. This isn't happening. I am only 28 years old, everyone...everyone said I had plenty of time. My doctor is handing me a box of tissues. I ask about my birth control, is it to blame? She says no, that this is just my particular "body chemistry." She encourages me not to beat myself up. I'd always wished we'd started trying earlier and now I am thinking if only we went off birth control earlier...she stops me, "There's no way to know, don't do that to yourself."

She hands me my prescriptions, one for Clomid and one for something called Provera. She hands me some pamphlets that say things like "Coping with Infertility" and "Infertility Treatments." I hold them, choking back tears again, remembering that I am alone and I will have to drive myself home. I walk to my car, tears streaking down my cheek and I sit in my car for a few minutes, stunned like this.

I come home and wake my husband (who is on night shift and very groggy). I am weeping uncontrollably trying to explain what I learned at my appointment. He is confused and says he doesn't understand, he's demanding I get a second opinion. I tell him there's no need, I knew..I don't know how I knew, I just did.
I explain that the reason I haven't had a period in months isn't because we're pregnant. It's because I am not ovulating. And if I can't ovulate well...

I tell him that my doctor prescribed some medication for Ovulation Induction. If it works correctly, I should start ovulating again within 6 treatments. I know this is a silver lining, I know this isn't a death sentence but I am just so crushed. I've been living my entire life thinking that when I was ready for a baby all I had to do was go at it with my husband for a few months and then -BAM- baby time. Now I am facing a new reality. One where sex, our favorite extra curricular activity, is going to become our full time job. After I take all these pills I will have to spend the next week monitoring my ovulation and making sure that we are intimate during that short window. If we are "unsuccessful" (I am told not to use that word, but...) then we repeat the process again in a month. Women who undergo Ovulation Induction with this combination of medication have a 50-70% chance of becoming pregnant. In one hour my chances of having a baby went from 100% to maybe 70%.

Mike laid with me for a while. When the crying ceased I took to the internet to do some research on these medications. I'm not certain of what to do at this point. Obviously I want to become a mother, but where do I draw the line? There's a lot of different things for me/us to take into consideration. Certain health and moral implications of taking hormones to make my body do something it isn't doing on it's own. And there's no guarantee that the medication will work. 70% chance? 70% is a C. I feel like that's what's now branded on my uterus. A big red C-. And I feel so guilty for all those years I flip flopped on the topic of children. I keep on trying to remind myself that this isn't all she wrote, but then why does it feel like that?

....UPDATE.....

So, it's been 2 months since I first wrote this entry. I gave myself some time before posting it because things were still so fresh and I was feeling very raw, and exposed when I wrote it. I know now, after letting some time go by, that I do need to share my story. I know it because the more I talk to women about what I've gone through so far, the more they open up to me and share their own struggles. It made me realize just how common fertility issues are. Maybe there is someone out there right now who feels awfully alone and who feels confused and alone. I hope that person reads this and has the courage to go out and share their story too.

Some of the things I've heard in the last two months have ranged from extremely encouraging to incredibly discouraging. And I say that to warn other women in this position to do the research themselves. Every woman's body is different  and another persons story is NOT your story. So be careful.

I have also been so shocked by the responses of friends and family, again...ranging from totally supportive to really and truly clueless. And I can't blame the ones who don't know what to say. I didn't even know how to tell my husband. But sometimes, saying nothing is better...believe me...sometimes saying nothing is MUCH better.

People want to encourage you to "not give up" but sometimes asking a woman who is dealing with infertility to "just keep trying" can make her feel really awful. I can't describe it exactly, but if you can imagine putting your body through fertility drugs, and the emotional toll that failed attempts take on you and on your body...you might think twice about asking a woman not to give up on getting pregnant.

Currently my husband and I are weighing the pro's and con's of each of our options. I am not ready to completely accept that this is it for us. I want to give my body some time. I want to trust my body. All of this...has just been such an emotional struggle for me. I am trying to live as normally as possible, like we did before the bad news.

I know I have so much to be thankful for and I am concentrating on that. The reason we chose now to start trying, is because things are going so well. And I need to remember that when I have bad days. My life is very whole right now, I have an amazingly supportive, loving husband. Fantastic, encouraging friends and a very satisfying career. I am still healthy and in love with life, the helplessness and pain I felt the day we found out will not rule my life.

 I am comforted by all of this and I am  I know, deep down in my heart that I will still get to be a parent some day- one way or another.

Some links that have helped:

For info about Clomid & Ovulation Induction
For infertility support and resources

Where else can I get support?

Local Community Centers. In our county the local community calender has tons of information for support groups and if you're considering fostering or adopting they can point you in the right direction for getting started.
Church. First thing we did was make an appointment with our priest to walk us through some of the moral issues we felt we would face in taking fertility medication. Not really into organized religion? You could confide in your own spiritual adviser, or just someone in your life you particularly trust and look up to.
Friends. even if you don't want to talk about "it" anymore, call them up and get out of the house.
RESOLVE. aka The National Infertility Association has everything from online support groups, information on treatment options, stress management while TTC and countless resources to other organizations.
Family Family Family. Mike and I have become such a team through this. I have learned how much my husband truly wanted to start a family. Of course I knew that before, but men don't let on, as much as we might, how baldy they'd like to be daddy's. My in laws have been incredible as well. They still tell us how excited they are for us and their faith hasn't wavered. My father in law just told us over dinner this weekend, that he is behind us 100% no matter what we choose to do and that kind of unconditional support is priceless right now.