Saturday, June 15, 2013

TTC Update and Giant Cheat Day Cookie Recipes.

First of all, I just wanted to say THANK YOU, again to everyone who has been cheering for Mike and I this passed year. We are barely 6 months in and it's been one of the hardest years of my life.
I will not drag you through some long depressing, dramatic post to tell you that our first round of ovulation induction did not go as we'd hoped. After 5 negative pregnancy tests and a few calls back and forth to my doctor, I am finally dealing with the reality- I am not pregnant. Again.

I know that we have so much going for us right now. We are both employed, madly in love, have incredible friends and family supporting us. I know I should try and be positive. I keep telling myself this is just a bump in the road. This is temporary. I keep telling myself not to let this rule my life and bring me down...but this f*cking sucks.

Yeah...I know...GASP! A curse word!

I'm sorry. There's no way to sugar coat this. In the same week that I find out my sister in law is pregnant with their 5th (yeah) child, and after putting my body and my husband through hell on Clomid...nothing. Another negative test. And I swear to you, that negative sign has got some attitude. It's brighter and more assertive every time I have to see it. I call Mike in (poor guy) "Look at it, seriously? Is it negative? Does it still look negative to you?" To make matters worse, I got a terrible stomach bug right around day 25. I got so excited! I thought it was the first stages of morning sickness or fatigue. It was not morning sickness, it was not was bad fish. Is that cruel, or what?

The next step is taking more tests, far more invasive tests. Our doctor will be testing for PCOS and a bunch of other acronyms for syndromes I cannot pronounce, I think one of for a tumor in your brain that blocks ovulation? I know one is to see if my tubes are blocked. I am especially not looking forward to that one- Google it, and you'll understand. If all the tests come back normal then we will start our second cycle of Clomid, which will be stronger and even more awful than the first round.

I have allowed myself a couple of cheat days or "pity parties" since all of this started. One on the day I found out about the anovulation and another each time I got a BFN. We've actually been so busy with different social events since the ovulation induction, that there hasn't been time for any pity parties, which is a good thing. My friends have been keeping me distracted and I cannot say enough how nice that has been.

However, I am not one to deny myself a little hall pass on the diet front when I am feeling blue. So I decided that my pity party this month will completely center around the most amazingly addictive, chocolately, dangerous Giant Cheat Day Cookie. I found this recipe on Sally's Baking Addiction and I have seriously had to watch myself. I ALWAYS have just enough ingredients on hand to make one of these gigantic "XXL Death By Chocolate Cookies" (as Sally calls them). Is that a coincidence that I always have the ingredients? Or is this by design? No one knows, but everyone wants these cookies.

Whether you choose to make more than one is your decision. Since I am
trying to shed some weight I plugged the cookie recipe in my Sparks People recipe calculator, I don't know if I should even tell you how many points it's a lot! Much more than you'd think. But it's SO good. And I suppose if you're girlfriends are over helping you get through your crummy day, you can share it with them.
 Because it really does feed four. Mike and I have shared this right out of the oven with a scoop of ice cream and it is HEAVEN. 

Knowing that it is so naughty, I try really hard to only make it a few times a year, month...week. This is my "break in case of emergency" recipe. Comfort food at it's finest. Also, it makes me wanna hit the gym afterwards which is great for my mood. I call that a win win. In high stress situations I think it's important to nurture yourself a little, treat yourself and pamper yourself. These are things I am trying to remember lately. Sally's blog had recipes for Reeses peanut butter cookies, snickerdoodles, soft sugar cookies and the death by chocolate cookie, I haven't tried the others but the DBC is what inspired me to try some other flavors.

Jessica and I made a classic chocolate chip, cinnamon chip oatmeal raisin (not shown because it came out AWFUL- I'll explain), double peanut butter, and death by chocolate. We didn't mess with Sally's recipe on that last one- it is seriously to die for as is. My absolute favorite was the peanut butter cookie. At first I thought we cooked it a little too long, but when I dug in it was perfect. Just chewy enough, crunchy from the nuts and SO peanut buttery. Mmmm!

Check the fridge to make sure you have enough milk on hand to tackle one of these bad boys. They are definitely giant enough to share (think Pizookie) but, it IS a cheat would you??

As always, keep checking back for more TTC updates. I don't anticipate knowing anything knew for a few weeks or a month, when all the test results come back. Until then, please keep us in your prayers. Though this journey has brought us closer together, it still really weighs on us and we struggle day to day wondering what the right choices are. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I appreciate you all not judging me for whining and whining about how long this is taking. It may not be the longest running fertility issue you've heard about, but this is ours and it's all very new and very scary.

Thanks again, from the bottom of my chocolate soaked heart!


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