Friday, February 15, 2013


...Take a deep breath Eva....

I've had this blog for few years, and I've struggled in deciding how much of our personal lives I should reveal. I value privacy, but I also appreciate the impact that sharing your struggles can have on those going through similar trials. It might help to hear from women who have gone through this, who have come out on the other end. I just know that I can't let these feelings sit and fester.

So here I am. Sitting here thinking I should just stick to the plan and post a cute story about how I've been trying to eat healthy and upload some great shots of all the lunches I've been packing for Mike and I.
But I can't really find the words and I can't really think of food right now at all. I can't concentrate on anything. It's just this endless loop replaying in my head. My doctor saying things like "you did everything right, this isn't anyone's fault." I can hear her making bad music analogies to help me understand. She is saying, "it's like your metronome is stuck and this medication can help unstick it. We think it will be an easy fix."

I am numb. I am sitting in her office feeling stupid for not understanding it was this serious and wishing so
badly that I had brought my husband. My hands are shaking, and I am choking back tears. This isn't happening. I am only 28 years old, everyone...everyone said I had plenty of time. My doctor is handing me a box of tissues. I ask about my birth control, is it to blame? She says no, that this is just my particular "body chemistry." She encourages me not to beat myself up. I'd always wished we'd started trying earlier and now I am thinking if only we went off birth control earlier...she stops me, "There's no way to know, don't do that to yourself."

She hands me my prescriptions, one for Clomid and one for something called Provera. She hands me some pamphlets that say things like "Coping with Infertility" and "Infertility Treatments." I hold them, choking back tears again, remembering that I am alone and I will have to drive myself home. I walk to my car, tears streaking down my cheek and I sit in my car for a few minutes, stunned like this.

I come home and wake my husband (who is on night shift and very groggy). I am weeping uncontrollably trying to explain what I learned at my appointment. He is confused and says he doesn't understand, he's demanding I get a second opinion. I tell him there's no need, I knew..I don't know how I knew, I just did.
I explain that the reason I haven't had a period in months isn't because we're pregnant. It's because I am not ovulating. And if I can't ovulate well...

I tell him that my doctor prescribed some medication for Ovulation Induction. If it works correctly, I should start ovulating again within 6 treatments. I know this is a silver lining, I know this isn't a death sentence but I am just so crushed. I've been living my entire life thinking that when I was ready for a baby all I had to do was go at it with my husband for a few months and then -BAM- baby time. Now I am facing a new reality. One where sex, our favorite extra curricular activity, is going to become our full time job. After I take all these pills I will have to spend the next week monitoring my ovulation and making sure that we are intimate during that short window. If we are "unsuccessful" (I am told not to use that word, but...) then we repeat the process again in a month. Women who undergo Ovulation Induction with this combination of medication have a 50-70% chance of becoming pregnant. In one hour my chances of having a baby went from 100% to maybe 70%.

Mike laid with me for a while. When the crying ceased I took to the internet to do some research on these medications. I'm not certain of what to do at this point. Obviously I want to become a mother, but where do I draw the line? There's a lot of different things for me/us to take into consideration. Certain health and moral implications of taking hormones to make my body do something it isn't doing on it's own. And there's no guarantee that the medication will work. 70% chance? 70% is a C. I feel like that's what's now branded on my uterus. A big red C-. And I feel so guilty for all those years I flip flopped on the topic of children. I keep on trying to remind myself that this isn't all she wrote, but then why does it feel like that?


So, it's been 2 months since I first wrote this entry. I gave myself some time before posting it because things were still so fresh and I was feeling very raw, and exposed when I wrote it. I know now, after letting some time go by, that I do need to share my story. I know it because the more I talk to women about what I've gone through so far, the more they open up to me and share their own struggles. It made me realize just how common fertility issues are. Maybe there is someone out there right now who feels awfully alone and who feels confused and alone. I hope that person reads this and has the courage to go out and share their story too.

Some of the things I've heard in the last two months have ranged from extremely encouraging to incredibly discouraging. And I say that to warn other women in this position to do the research themselves. Every woman's body is different  and another persons story is NOT your story. So be careful.

I have also been so shocked by the responses of friends and family, again...ranging from totally supportive to really and truly clueless. And I can't blame the ones who don't know what to say. I didn't even know how to tell my husband. But sometimes, saying nothing is better...believe me...sometimes saying nothing is MUCH better.

People want to encourage you to "not give up" but sometimes asking a woman who is dealing with infertility to "just keep trying" can make her feel really awful. I can't describe it exactly, but if you can imagine putting your body through fertility drugs, and the emotional toll that failed attempts take on you and on your might think twice about asking a woman not to give up on getting pregnant.

Currently my husband and I are weighing the pro's and con's of each of our options. I am not ready to completely accept that this is it for us. I want to give my body some time. I want to trust my body. All of this...has just been such an emotional struggle for me. I am trying to live as normally as possible, like we did before the bad news.

I know I have so much to be thankful for and I am concentrating on that. The reason we chose now to start trying, is because things are going so well. And I need to remember that when I have bad days. My life is very whole right now, I have an amazingly supportive, loving husband. Fantastic, encouraging friends and a very satisfying career. I am still healthy and in love with life, the helplessness and pain I felt the day we found out will not rule my life.

 I am comforted by all of this and I am  I know, deep down in my heart that I will still get to be a parent some day- one way or another.

Some links that have helped:

For info about Clomid & Ovulation Induction
For infertility support and resources

Where else can I get support?

Local Community Centers. In our county the local community calender has tons of information for support groups and if you're considering fostering or adopting they can point you in the right direction for getting started.
Church. First thing we did was make an appointment with our priest to walk us through some of the moral issues we felt we would face in taking fertility medication. Not really into organized religion? You could confide in your own spiritual adviser, or just someone in your life you particularly trust and look up to.
Friends. even if you don't want to talk about "it" anymore, call them up and get out of the house.
RESOLVE. aka The National Infertility Association has everything from online support groups, information on treatment options, stress management while TTC and countless resources to other organizations.
Family Family Family. Mike and I have become such a team through this. I have learned how much my husband truly wanted to start a family. Of course I knew that before, but men don't let on, as much as we might, how baldy they'd like to be daddy's. My in laws have been incredible as well. They still tell us how excited they are for us and their faith hasn't wavered. My father in law just told us over dinner this weekend, that he is behind us 100% no matter what we choose to do and that kind of unconditional support is priceless right now.