11 Week Update

Well! Am I happy to be nearing the end of the first trimester.

Every day I am feeling less queasy and have more and more energy. I actually feel really bad because I know I have spent the last 3 1/2 weeks complaining about the morning sickness and exhaustion. My poor husband has come home to a whining pile of wife on the couch each night! My friends have been all but abandoned because I cannot seem to stay up passed 7:30/8:00 pm. I have, basically, been completely worthless for a month.

The turning point came last week when I got an absolutely awful cold from my kids at school (yeah, I just went back to teaching full time right when we found out about baby D). While I was sick, I found that my appetite had returned somewhat. I still couldn't stomach much meat or cook anything in oil, but I was actually hungry for the first time in a while. After the cold went away I had morning sickness again for about a day, since then I've been on the mend! When all was said and done I lost 3 pounds in the month of January.

I haven't been able to lose 3 pounds in 3 months while TRYING, really really hard. I was a little worried, but my friends and my doctor assure me this is completely normal in the first trimester, especially when you've been battling morning sickness.

11 wks, a bit bloated, but no bump yet! 

So this week we got to see Baby D again at our check up and he/she was moving all around, it was such a sight to see. I could clearly make out the little arms, which were draped above the babies head like a little gorilla. It's back was to us so we couldn't see much else, but just seeing him/her move around like that reminded me of how fast this pregnancy could go. I mean, it was only a few short weeks ago that all we could see was a little mass of cells on the screen. Now our baby has limbs and knows how to move them! That's insane to me, when did that happen?

Every single step we take on this journey has taken my breath away. I feel so many things at any given moment (did I mention that we saw some of our first pregnancy mood swings this week?) but lately all I feel is humbled. I am providing/growing/supporting life for this new human being. I am responsible for taking care of myself and nurturing this pregnancy until our baby is developed enough to meet us. This is such an incredible honor and I don't take it lightly. I am in love with that little gorilla, formerly our gummy bear, formerly our poppy seed and soon to be our first born child.

Ultrasound @ 10wks. Not much to make out but I thought I'd share it anyway!

We've elected to have some genetic testing done and I will return for an update once they are complete (in another 2 weeks or so). We MIGHT also find out the babies gender during that time so stay tuned and keep on sending me those baby girl names- so far we have NONE!

Have a great Sunday- enjoy the game and GO BRONCOS!!!

TTC Update

Hey All,

Here's a very quick update on the TTC front.

In April, after doing some research and consulting with our doctor, Mike and I decided to try our first round of ovulation induction.

I started a course of clomid on May 1st. The side effects were shorter much milder than I'd anticipated (read too many horror stories online!) and I was able to continue my daily responsibilities while on the medication.

SO MUCH CHARTING!!

So, if you're not familiar with the sort of "schedule" during ovulation induction there is a lot of charting, testing and scheduling involved. If you do not get a menstrual cycle you start off with a prescription for Provera which should give you your period. Somehow, out of no where and after 6 months of no cycle I got one right before we were to start the Clomid. Fate? I sure hope so! While the side effects were certainly not as bad as I figured they'd be, I was very uncomfortable during the entire treatment. I experienced hot flashes, dry mouth, epic and I mean EPIC mood swings, and a little cramping. For me, the hot flashes were the worst of it, for Mike...it was the weeping and the whining. Poor guy.

So after a menstrual cycle you start a the Clomid on day 5. You take this until day 10 of your cycle and then check for ovulation during days 12-19. Obviously there is a lot of...ehem...intimate times during days 12-19. The point is to make a baby yes? Yes.

I was instructed to test myself for ovulation and days 12-15 all came back negative for an LH surge. It was discouraging, after all we went through during the week on Clomid, it looked like the meds weren't working.

Victory! In the form of two consecutive positive results for LH Surge. 

It was a VERY happy day on day 16 when our first test came back positive for an LH surge! Finally we get some good news! Sooo, now you can understand why I have had to be MIA this month. We are hoping for some even better news later this month so cross your fingers.

It was a long shot that the Clomid would work and yet here we are! So I am very hopeful and very excited about the future.

Thank You all for the continued support and well wishes!

5/16/2013 UPDATE: 

Had a doctors appointment yesterday to follow up after the first round of Clomid. The Dr. says everything is looking good and she was thrilled that we saw some LH Surges on the OPK. We are in the 2 week wait window now and we are a bundle of  nerves. My Dr. (Dr. P) gave us a bunch of lab paperwork just in case this round didn't work. She thinks we should get a better idea of what could be causing the Anovulation. At this point we don't really know what is going on, but now that we know I can ovulate, we need to check some other things. I am nervous because some of these tests do not, at all, sound like fun. Especially the one that checks for blockages in your Fallopian tubes...No. No thanks. Our test date (for pregnancy) is the 23rd. I appreciate ALL sorts of prayers and well wishes (the ladies on the TTC forums would say "baby dust"). 

I remain hopeful, look for an update soon,

thanks again to you all!!

50-70%

...Take a deep breath Eva....

I've had this blog for few years, and I've struggled in deciding how much of our personal lives I should reveal. I value privacy, but I also appreciate the impact that sharing your struggles can have on those going through similar trials. It might help to hear from women who have gone through this, who have come out on the other end. I just know that I can't let these feelings sit and fester.

So here I am. Sitting here thinking I should just stick to the plan and post a cute story about how I've been trying to eat healthy and upload some great shots of all the lunches I've been packing for Mike and I.
But I can't really find the words and I can't really think of food right now at all. I can't concentrate on anything. It's just this endless loop replaying in my head. My doctor saying things like "you did everything right, this isn't anyone's fault." I can hear her making bad music analogies to help me understand. She is saying, "it's like your metronome is stuck and this medication can help unstick it. We think it will be an easy fix."

I am numb. I am sitting in her office feeling stupid for not understanding it was this serious and wishing so

badly that I had brought my husband. My hands are shaking, and I am choking back tears. This isn't happening. I am only 28 years old, everyone...everyone said I had plenty of time. My doctor is handing me a box of tissues. I ask about my birth control, is it to blame? She says no, that this is just my particular "body chemistry." She encourages me not to beat myself up. I'd always wished we'd started trying earlier and now I am thinking if only we went off birth control earlier...she stops me, "There's no way to know, don't do that to yourself."

She hands me my prescriptions, one for Clomid and one for something called Provera. She hands me some pamphlets that say things like "Coping with Infertility" and "Infertility Treatments." I hold them, choking back tears again, remembering that I am alone and I will have to drive myself home. I walk to my car, tears streaking down my cheek and I sit in my car for a few minutes, stunned like this.

I come home and wake my husband (who is on night shift and very groggy). I am weeping uncontrollably trying to explain what I learned at my appointment. He is confused and says he doesn't understand, he's demanding I get a second opinion. I tell him there's no need, I knew..I don't know how I knew, I just did.
I explain that the reason I haven't had a period in months isn't because we're pregnant. It's because I am not ovulating. And if I can't ovulate well...

I tell him that my doctor prescribed some medication for Ovulation Induction. If it works correctly, I should start ovulating again within 6 treatments. I know this is a silver lining, I know this isn't a death sentence but I am just so crushed. I've been living my entire life thinking that when I was ready for a baby all I had to do was go at it with my husband for a few months and then -BAM- baby time. Now I am facing a new reality. One where sex, our favorite extra curricular activity, is going to become our full time job. After I take all these pills I will have to spend the next week monitoring my ovulation and making sure that we are intimate during that short window. If we are "unsuccessful" (I am told not to use that word, but...) then we repeat the process again in a month. Women who undergo Ovulation Induction with this combination of medication have a 50-70% chance of becoming pregnant. In one hour my chances of having a baby went from 100% to maybe 70%.

Mike laid with me for a while. When the crying ceased I took to the internet to do some research on these medications. I'm not certain of what to do at this point. Obviously I want to become a mother, but where do I draw the line? There's a lot of different things for me/us to take into consideration. Certain health and moral implications of taking hormones to make my body do something it isn't doing on it's own. And there's no guarantee that the medication will work. 70% chance? 70% is a C. I feel like that's what's now branded on my uterus. A big red C-. And I feel so guilty for all those years I flip flopped on the topic of children. I keep on trying to remind myself that this isn't all she wrote, but then why does it feel like that?

....UPDATE.....

So, it's been 2 months since I first wrote this entry. I gave myself some time before posting it because things were still so fresh and I was feeling very raw, and exposed when I wrote it. I know now, after letting some time go by, that I do need to share my story. I know it because the more I talk to women about what I've gone through so far, the more they open up to me and share their own struggles. It made me realize just how common fertility issues are. Maybe there is someone out there right now who feels awfully alone and who feels confused and alone. I hope that person reads this and has the courage to go out and share their story too.

Some of the things I've heard in the last two months have ranged from extremely encouraging to incredibly discouraging. And I say that to warn other women in this position to do the research themselves. Every woman's body is different  and another persons story is NOT your story. So be careful.

I have also been so shocked by the responses of friends and family, again...ranging from totally supportive to really and truly clueless. And I can't blame the ones who don't know what to say. I didn't even know how to tell my husband. But sometimes, saying nothing is better...believe me...sometimes saying nothing is MUCH better.

People want to encourage you to "not give up" but sometimes asking a woman who is dealing with infertility to "just keep trying" can make her feel really awful. I can't describe it exactly, but if you can imagine putting your body through fertility drugs, and the emotional toll that failed attempts take on you and on your body...you might think twice about asking a woman not to give up on getting pregnant.

Currently my husband and I are weighing the pro's and con's of each of our options. I am not ready to completely accept that this is it for us. I want to give my body some time. I want to trust my body. All of this...has just been such an emotional struggle for me. I am trying to live as normally as possible, like we did before the bad news.

I know I have so much to be thankful for and I am concentrating on that. The reason we chose now to start trying, is because things are going so well. And I need to remember that when I have bad days. My life is very whole right now, I have an amazingly supportive, loving husband. Fantastic, encouraging friends and a very satisfying career. I am still healthy and in love with life, the helplessness and pain I felt the day we found out will not rule my life.

 I am comforted by all of this and I am  I know, deep down in my heart that I will still get to be a parent some day- one way or another.

Some links that have helped:

For info about Clomid & Ovulation Induction
For infertility support and resources

Where else can I get support?

Local Community Centers. In our county the local community calender has tons of information for support groups and if you're considering fostering or adopting they can point you in the right direction for getting started.
Church. First thing we did was make an appointment with our priest to walk us through some of the moral issues we felt we would face in taking fertility medication. Not really into organized religion? You could confide in your own spiritual adviser, or just someone in your life you particularly trust and look up to.
Friends. even if you don't want to talk about "it" anymore, call them up and get out of the house.
RESOLVE. aka The National Infertility Association has everything from online support groups, information on treatment options, stress management while TTC and countless resources to other organizations.
Family Family Family. Mike and I have become such a team through this. I have learned how much my husband truly wanted to start a family. Of course I knew that before, but men don't let on, as much as we might, how baldy they'd like to be daddy's. My in laws have been incredible as well. They still tell us how excited they are for us and their faith hasn't wavered. My father in law just told us over dinner this weekend, that he is behind us 100% no matter what we choose to do and that kind of unconditional support is priceless right now.

A Mad Dash and A Half Assed Tamale Tutorial

Well folks, we are in the last few days before Christmas and this house is filled with the smell of freshly made tamales! I honestly and truly want to share a detailed recipe/assembly/quirky anecdote with you but I can barely even sit up I am so exhausted! Would you settle for a short picture tutorial?? Yes? You're the best, I don't care what anyone says about you.

 Mike and I have been just go go going for a few the last two weeks.

Finals, cookie orders, short camping trip in between visiting friends and family in SoCal. It's just been insane. So I will keep this short before I head on off to bed. What I really wanted to take the time to say is this: THANK YOU

Thank you so much to our wonderful, amazing, patient, loving, hilarious, beautiful friends. The friends who keep our spirits up when we are feeling, "eh". The friends who drop everything to go on a last minute camping trip in the pouring (freezing) rain. Friends who have come through our home this holiday season to share delicious meals with us, bearing thoughtful gifts and giant radiating smiles.

You are the reason this has been such a blessed year. We adore you all and we feel so very very lucky to have each of you as a friend!

Mike and I have most certainly had our best year as a couple in 2011. We made huge strides in our relationship with each other but also in our individual lives. He is pursuing some very promising avenues as far as his career is concerned. And I finally followed my gut and enrolled in culinary school (the best choice I made for myself in a long time).

We feel like God has blessed us this year. Giving us the guidance we needed to make big steps towards being happy individuals and even happier as a married couple. I hope you also take a moment to reflect back on the triumphs you've experienced in 2011.

I also hope that you enjoy this tutorial. It is SO simple and makes a lot of food. If you're not a meat eater, simply swap the meat out with shredded cheese, roasted veggies or wilted greens! Also, you will need a very large pot for this recipe. 4 pts at the smallest. You could also totally use your slow cooker, just put a steamer basket in the bottom and check back often to make sure your pot doesn't go dry. Enjoy!!

See you all in the new year!

Ingredients:

1 bag of Tamale Masa Dough
Lard or Shortening
Chicken or Veggie Broth
Salt & Pepper
1 Can Red or Green Enchilada Sauce
2 lb Shredded Meat (Beef, Pork or Chicken)
1 Package of Corn Husks (found in the Hispanic foods aisle)


                                              Tamale Picture (Sort of Super Lazy) Tutorial

Buy, or make masa dough (using directions on back of bag)

Add 1 can of enchilada sauce to 2lbs shredded pork, beef or chicken

Spread masa over softened corn husks like so, and top with shredded meat, tuck in the bottom and wrap like a burrito

Place folded side down, into a steamer and steam for about an hour until tamale dough is soft set (they'll finish cooking as they cool) 


We enjoy our tamales with black beans and Spanish rice. Optional toppings are endless, but include salsa, sour cream, cheese, enchilada sauce (red or green) and cilantro! 
Enjoy!!

Because Weekends Were...

...made for FUN!

Holy Moly have we been having an amazing month so far. Yes, I realize we are only a few days in but it has been an amazing few days. More specifically the last two days.

With Mikes work schedule we rarely get to spend an entire weekend together, but it just so happens that this weekend we really got out moneys worth.

He got in from work Saturday morning and as usual he hit the Cider Creek Bakery car show before coming home. Here in Paso Robles we have many wonderful places to choose from for breakfast, but Cider Creek has everything we want/need for our Saturday mornings. Mike goes early to see all the classic cars pull in then he buys us a mocha latte, some muffins and a cheese danish. It's our little tradition. We've been doing it since we moved here and their little bakery has really become a crucial part of our Saturday mornings!

Mike likes to wake me up with his Cider Creek goodies and I am always more than happy to hop out of bed for them. After our coffee and baked goods, we caught up on our weeks. Me at school, and Mike at work. We'd missed a lot this week so we sat and talked for hours actually. It's so good to have a husband who after 6 years is still just every bit my best friend as the day we met.

Around noon I headed out with our dear friend Jessica who owns Paso Robles Sommelier to Farm Stand 46 and Oso Libre Winery for a day of wine tasting and a phenomenal lunch. We browsed their market looking over all the salads, cheeses, wines, meats and pickled veggies. It was a smorgasbord of fine fresh foods. We were in foodie heaven.

Aside from the food I mostly enjoyed our lunch because it gave us an opportunity to catch up a little. As busy as we've both been we just haven't made the time to sit and lunch like that in a long time. It was such a gorgeous day for sitting and munching and carrying on. I think it should be a new mandatory rule: Nurture your friendships weekly, and over an amazing plate of food!

At Oso Libre we just made a quick stop, tried some of the new Primoroso (which was included in my new wine club shipment!) and did a little tasting/window shopping for Christmas.

Later that night Mike and I picked up our Christmas tree, played some holiday tunes and drank warm cider. It sounds so cheesy and like it must be out of some movie about a more fortunate woman's life... but it's not. To make the night even more complete we watched It's A Wonderful Life, which I had not seen before. Mike couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before...I know because he wouldn't stop saying it. "What did your family even watch during the holidays?" Football, Mike...we watched FOOTBALL...

Today we spent the morning and afternoon cleaning, hanging lights and cooking up a storm. We hosted some of my classmates from the PCA (Paso Robles Culinary Academy) for dinner tonight and it was a definite success. I know, I took a vote and it was unanimous.

Holiday Party Spread: Turkey Roulades with Mushroom Stuffing. Ham with Dried Fruit and Pineapples
Green Bean Casserole. Oh! And Pumpkin Liquor for our Coffee!! Yum 

I have to say that I was very hesitant to give up full time work to go to culinary school, but I am SO glad we did. And moreover I am SO grateful to my husband that he works so hard to allow me to follow my dreams. I remember taking virtual tours of culinary schools when I was a preteen. Wishing, dreaming, that someday I would be in the kitchen...cooking up delicious new recipes everyday.

After dinner and dessert and caroling...we decorated mason jars and made some pretty spectacular Christmas themed bark. white and dark chocolate peppermint bark!

Meeting these women at the PCA has been one of the most wonderful things that could happen to me. It's only been a few months and yet I am certain these are friends I will have for the rest of my life. We are kindred spirits really. And we love the same things: Food, Laughing Hysterically and... Crafting!

Crafting table, overflowing with holiday crafts and snacks to keep us energized. We made delicious Christmas bark and decorated mason jars to package it all.